February 17th, 2009 - One Year Ago Today

Today is February 17th, 2010.

I've been thinking about today, realizing that it is a very special day, for some time now. One year ago today my oldest daughter, Bobbie, had a brain tumor removed. It was one of the longest days of my life. So many fears in both of us, all of us. So many complications that could have come of it.

One possibility was that she would have severe permanent memory loss. This had not happened. She has mild blanks in the past few years and wonders how her daughter grew up so fast but other than that she woke knowing who we all were that day. (This was my greatest fear I think, besides death,

her not recognizing me.)

Another possibility was seizures. She is on an anti-seizure med and was told she would be for a minimum of one year and they would see about it after that. This may be a med she will have to be on for her entire life. At this point we still don't know. I'm happy to report she has not had one seizure the entire year. At least not one that we know of. WooHoo!

Another possibility was paralysis on one side. The day of the surgery and most of the day after this looked possible. But then she moved a toe and her stubbornness was still intact and she moved the leg, then the next day the hand started twitching. She now has weakness on the left side but is not paralyzed. She has to be careful on bad days how she steps or what she attempts to lift but other than that she is mobile and usually without her cane.

Bobbie still has a few obstacles to overcome or keep in check but she's doing wonderful. Her weight is down and she has that thick head full of hair back. Her diabetes is under control and she seems happy. She even seems to be able to know when her panic attacks are coming on better now and will warn the person she is with or just head home quick. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder (Bobbie is still bi-polar, but it is under better control) you know how scary this can be. She is hearing her bodies signals now. I think before there was so much going on in her head she couldn't concentrate long enough to understand the suttle signals the body will give us to let us know we are about to hit that panic button inside ourselves.

What a blessing God gave us through all of the many folks that prayed for Bobbie and through the surgeons hands. I thank you all and our Great Lord in Heaven every day.

I've been home sick and even sick I cannot just sit and one can only sleep so much. Especially with me taking prednisone, it wires me out. Like a mega dose of caffeine. (I'm so sweaty I bet I stink, and that's 10 minutes after a shower.)

OK so for the past few days with the approaching date I've been doodling in my journal. Journaling or journal doodling is a quiet activity which is what I needed and the word chaos kept coming to mind. Then the words noise, voices, sounds, headaches, fear, confusion and more. All of the many things that Bobbie was able to finally express to us that was going on in her head. She was living in chaos inside her mind and around her. I spied a bracelet that Bobbie had made me on my dresser vanity and the journal page came together nicely, as did the idea for this post.

Here I share the journal page, it is a 2 page layout:

I am not sure if this center doodle is a butterfly or a heart. It may be both.

Here is a close up of the left side:

And here is a closeup of the right side:

Bobbie at one point decided to try her hand at making jewelry. I believe that the tumor was already growing at this time of her life. She was already displaying weird signs, behavior, activity (falling down, always sleeping, fleeing, paranoid, dropping things, etc.) that later we learned were effects of where the tumor was (right frontal lobe). Bobbie knows that I like pearls. As a child wearing pearls made me feel grown up and as an adult they make me feel classy. She also knows I like mother of pearl with silver. Mother of pearl has such an iridescent quality. It is white, yet not completely just white. I love it, sometimes I think even better than pearls.

Bobbie made the following bracelet with a brain tumor in her head:

It will always be a special piece of my girl for me. Knowing that even when chaos was going on inside her mind she loved her mom enough to know what to make for me that would be special to me. I love this bracelet and I love that she made it just for me.

Happy Day Bobbie, Congrats on one year proving them wrong. They thought you'd have that seizure or seizures, you didn't. You've done good taking your medicines and on time. You've done good getting to know your little girl all over again. Keep it up honey. Don't worry about those things, those days, that you don't quite remember fully and just live in the moment for this day and the next. Give her the precious time you have now to make new and better memories. Help her build better memories of mommy so that the scary ones when you were so sick will gently slip away to fun and fantastic memories of her mommy spending time with her and loving her with all her might. Momma loves you sweetie, always have (even through the rough times) and always will.

Thank you all, my blogger friends, for listening and sharing in this glorious day with us. Today I am reminded that

This is the day that the Lord has made,

Be glad and Rejoice in it.

Be Happy, Be Healthy, Be Yourself,

Tess

Happy Anniversary To Us

Greetings friends,

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. Have I ever told you our story? It is not unlike others and yet somewhat different/special. It is a story of love found, lost and found again. I fell for my beloved when I was but the tender age of 12. I spied him from behind a bush, the guy next door. I loved his crazy curly hair and Elvis sideburns. And his eyes, I could melt in those blue eyes. I, the little girl next door was noticed, although I didn't really know it then. I had my jr. high friends and he his sr. high friends. He was forever the gentleman. Always sweet, always kind, always mindful of my age. I was a tease, a flirt. So bad, now that I think of it. What he tolerated, poor boy. But even so I blushed as he chased me around the dinning room table for that lucky midnight kiss for the new year of '74. He taught me how to swim and how to skate backwards. He took me on my first car date and to his Senior prom. The only prom I would get. He was my idea of the night in shining armor. I decided I'd grow up and marry him someday.

But, as does sometimes happen life got in the way. He went off to college, left me behind to finish growing up. And then my parents separated. I was taken away from family, from home, from him by a cad of a father. Life was not as it should have been. It was not ideal, it was harsh and cruel. I cried often wondering if he ever thought of me as I did of him. Over time we get on with our lives, especially at such a tender age. I learned to be a survivor. He finished college, followed his favorite bands overseas, became a sailmaker then returned home. I too returned 13 years and two children later. You don't forget old friends, especially the adults that were a good influence on you. I visited his mother often. She had cancer, had surgery, was doing fine. We'd visit over coffee now and then; in the same kitchen I remembered so well. Then one day, she tells me not to leave, he'll be home soon. He'll be home soon? For months I had been visiting and thought he was still back East. He was there all along, he'd come home to his ill mother. Was here in town all along. He did not look anything like I had remembered. I didn't recognize him at all when he came through the door. I admit it. We spoke, I felt it was awkward. Then his dog dies and he stops ion on a cold wintry night to tell me he;d held his dutchess in his arms and she's dies. I didn't even have a hot drink to offer him. He settled for a warm hug. Long story short we seen each other again, and again, and again, until one day I realized I had fallen in love with him all over again. The new him, the now him, not just the memory. He knows me, he knows my story and he loves me and it's all good. I would not give these past 20 years back for anything. They have not been all fun and games but then life is not that way. But we have traveled these 20 years together side by side. He is my friend, he gives me unconditional love. This was/is his promise to me:

A friend is one

who knows you

as you are

understands where

you've been

accepts who you've

become

and still gently

invites you to grow.

~~~

Happy Anniversary Honey, I Love You!

~~~

And to all my blog friends,

Be happy, Be healthy, Be yourself,

Tess